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[19 Mar 2005|10:19am] |
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on a happier note than my last entry im going to a concert next weekend, the reggueton fest and then the wednesday after that its my birthday...and my parents left me and my cousin home alone this weekend and we were dranking smokin straight west costin and it was nice, a very needed brake, i now love beer, and i never did before wow...oh what ive missed out on....my cousin is in my room with her annoying as needy boyfriend that was hitting on me yesterday when he thought i was drunk but no! i most certainly was not!...i was high but still he was like ya dance, but it was like oh lets go dance it was like dance right there, get up and dance right now, and i laughed in his face...keep in mind that i did not no him what so ever, i dont know how my cousin likes him, hes so creepy, but ya i dont know after i was uncomfortable enough i left and i called marcyn and thats pretty much all i remember....im going to a crab feed tonight, and i dont know what it is....
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[19 Mar 2005|09:28am] |
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dang, been a while, i have so much to say, im feelin odd at the moment in school, because for the first time in like for ever i was actually doing good, and turning in my homework and eevrything, but then lately i just havent. just recently 2 friends of mine died, its not like we were best friends or anything, but it does feel like omg hes not going to be here anymore, he was in a car accident, his funeral was yesterday. i couldn't go. genysys was begging me to go. but i couldnt it doesnt feel like hes gone, nor do i want it to. the other friend that died was Carlos, ppl called him big los, but his little name thingy was monster, shit that boy was huge, but ya, he got shot in a drive by in oakland. i feel sorry for sara that was a good as friend of hers. when he got locked up last year and it was around this time cuz she was writing to him sending him articles about how he died, and she sent him a shirt and everything. its so sad, that same weekend that they both died, 2 boys from richmond got shot too. i didnt know them tho. i feel so vulnerable right now, just like im afraid to get close to anyone because if these were people that i was coo wit, and i had kicked it wit a couple of times, and it hurts this much whats going to happen when its someone that i really care about, what if its karina, or sara, or michael or ale, what if its any of them i dont no what the fuck ide do. im still coping with the fact that miguel died, and when i cried for them at school, i cried for miguel to, he was at the front of my mind, like everything they did for them at school reminded me of him. well not for big los cuz he dropped out a lil while ago.... but ya i dont know. its a trip because it makes you think about something as big and precious like a persons life can be snatched away, just like that, when people are sick and they no theyre going to die, they get their things in order they say theyr good byes and they get ready to die, they accept the fact that their dying, and in some ways maybe thats worst, no one should be ready to die, but when someone so young just all of a sudden dies, its just like wow, it kinda makes me sad how one death has no impact on the world, how it wont even leave a ripple i dont know, im just rambling on i no noones going to read this but its still just something that i had to get off my chest, i can never talk about it cuz i get to emotional, and im tired of grieving, im tired of being sad, its strange becuase i feel like i can ever just be in the middle...either something really good happens or something really bad, and as much as i like it when something good happens i feel like its a cycle and i tell myself not to get used to it, cuz something bads bound to happen. i dont know, im jsut rambling on right now. i stopped doing anything inschool after this, i just shut myself off, i didnt know how to handle it. i dont knkow, but karina if u read this i love u more than ill ever love anyone else, and i am so serious, and its not just my emotional hang over talking!!!!! lol
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[03 Mar 2005|09:09pm] |
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im at saras dads house right now, and im thinking about how shallow ive become, when i think about a guy i think about his income, and its kinda sad cuz im only 15....
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[20 Feb 2005|02:40am] |
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im a little tea pot short and stub here is my handle hear is my spout............................................. today was my mothers 40 birthday, and the whole family got together, i thought it was just going to be like maybe 2 or 3 families, but it was more like 6...keeping in mind they were all atleast families of 4... it was amazing tho, cuz our family doesnt get together all that much, and when they do its ussually not that much, i mean we didnt all get togehter for even christmas, i miss how it used to be, we'de find any excuse to all get together...easter was one of our biggest, now i now its easter cuz...well i dont no prob cuz of school or something, but it used to be reallly fun knowing that i would see the whole family at least like 10-20 times a year all gather up like that, and it just brought back memories when we were all together like that, but then at the same time it made me realize how many things have changed, for better and worst i guess, and it made me notice how much people have grown, and how much fun i had growing up, and when i really think about it, its like not many people have the chance to have so many family memebers, i mean my moms a family of 11 and my dads a family of 10 and its just amamzing that even the next generation is still as close as the first, and it just feels like if us(as the eldest ones) have the responsibility to keep it alive.
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[15 Feb 2005|06:25pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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simpsons!!!! |
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today was great, we had a field trip for school, anyone excited yet? lol no but really it was the most disgusting smell i've ever smelled, when i got out of the bus i started gagging, it was all bad, and then we stood right on top of the place that the garbage was dropped, and there were a shit load of sea gulls and then a tractor came and the seagulls flew toward us, it might just have been the scariest thing that ever happened to me. they were out to get me, i swear they were...
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| the deaf man! |
[14 Feb 2005|05:23pm] |
i think the deaf man blocked me or something!~ i cant email him
im so sad...i cant even get a deaf man, maybe i was his soul mate!! he doesnt know that! he used and abused me then left me there...used and abused...
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| its valentines day! |
[14 Feb 2005|04:25pm] |
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music |
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CULO!!! |
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hey hey no need to get physical, IM FRAGILE! no need to fight for our love karina we both love u equally (just me a little bit more) and Andrew i think u have the beautifullest soul in the world, i read some of ure poetry and the way that u can manipulate words is just beautiful, I read some to my mom and ure her new favorite person too!! karina u cant supply me with the emotional support like andrew can, uer just there for the hot man sex...wow how true
anywho on to more relevant topics, its valentines day! and im excited yet i feel so lonely, i no this'l pass by tomorrow, its just the fact of seeing all the couples all hugged up and knowing that i could've been that, its times liek this that i start to convince myself that tavio did nothing wrong and everything was perfect untill my mind started getting into it, damn that mind of mine, then once it gets back in there i convince myself one more time that im better off without him. karina, u know this past time that i heard from him it wasnt even like last time where i just died because i "loved him so much" he just felt like a stranger to me, like one of those boys calling my phone that i always ignore, I've never distrusted him as much as i do now, i feel like telling him all the bad things i've done so he can see that hes not the only one that can make me hurt, i feel like i've become so bitter, and its just so hard to trust...i feel like those old bitter women that throw cats at people then go in the back and cry over their lost loves picture, only for me its i go out and flirt my ass off and get every guy i can, then when i do its only to ignore them and lead them on to make them hurt, it really feels like im doing that, i always thought that i'de be hurt by someone that didn't love me back, instead im hurt by someone that loves me, its strange because i know that i dont love him, i know i dont, but on some level i guess i was used to him, or attached , i really dont know, i guess i didnt realize it, i dont know, i look at saras situacion and i see her so content with kahuna even tho everytime she talks to her she cries by him makin some false aligations, and he buys her nothing, never calls her just to say that he loves her, but shes still so inlove and so content, maybe shes just naiive, or maybe i just think too much, maybe im just too picky i dont know, ANYWAYS i got chocolates from ricardo, how sweet, they were good, i ate them all...all, i know this one boy that i had only said hi and by to him before even tho hes in almost all of my classes but today i talked to him and the more we talked the more i kinda realized he had no one to talk to, he started talking to me about his little brother and how much he loved him and how he was the only person in the world that loves him, and it was just raelly sad, he told me all this personal stuff that i could never open up and tell someone that i barely know, but maybe he doesnt consider me as someone he barely knows, i give him candy alot to give to his little brother cuz hes the cutest thing in the world, i love babies, i think ide be a great mom, and karina i dont care what u think! the deaf man is sexy!!! im trying not to be my shallow ass self and ure not making it any easier ass hole!!! lol
love u too
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| i got a journal |
[13 Feb 2005|07:31pm] |
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oh ya im oh so very cool lol
and i love karina, with all my love...all of it... lets share the rest of my life, im going to grow and have my own business of something evil then get a mid life crisis all the while karina will be in my house while i complain then after the midlife crisis i will decide that im a cold hearted bitch and quit, then me and karin awill either live together or next to each othe rin identical duplexes, and be lonely forever, who needs men! i got karina~!!!!!!!!!! and shes man enough for me!!!!!
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